The visualization of the catfish is starting to feel far too passive for what I'm dealing with. It is relaxing and meditative for sure, but it is starting to feel like I'm fighting a battle with the wrong weapon. Wrong for me anyway. I feel like I'm in a bit of a slump. Not that I feel like I'm getting more sick, just that it feels like I'm settling into a rut of sorts, becoming complacent. There is no time for complacency. I feel like I need to be on my guard, and doing something to push back. I've got an infinite amount of reasons to fight this thing, and I feel like I owe all of those reasons an earnest effort.
I decided today that I needed to watch some clips of Muhammad Ali. Arguably the best boxer to ever live, he was also supremely confident in everything he did. He didn't just beat his opponents in the ring, he started the fight before the boxing match even started. He got in their heads. He let them know just how great he was, and just how much he would punish them when the match did start. That's what I need, I realized today. I need to not only make this a physical fight, I need to make this a mental one too. It's one thing to be optimistic, it's another entirely different thing to be confident. I need to not only be fast, tough, and strong physically, I need to be that mentally, too. I need to have the confidence, and beat this disease with my mind, not just my body.
I stumbled upon this (admittedly very cheesy) video while watching Muhammad Ali annihilate his opponents. It's a video clip from the movie Snatch, set to some speeches that Muhammad Ali gave, as well as some quotes from one or some of the Rocky movies. Some of my favorite lines from Muhammad Ali are:
-"Only last week, I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick, I'm so mean I make medicine sick"
-"Let me tell you something you already know, the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows, its a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life; but it ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. Thats how winning is done."
Here's the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqpQzT1Kbuk&feature=player_embedded
Edit: I added the link to the video because the embedded video wasn't working on my iPod.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
My mom emailed me, so I figured it's time to post
My mom emailed today to ask when I was going to post again, so I guess that means it has been a while. There's lots to update, so hang on to your butts.
My family put on a benefit auction and chili dinner for me a few weeks ago. It was a great day. Unfortunately, I was a little under the weather with a toothache. I want to apologize to those who came and I wasn't able to talk to, and to those I wasn't able to spend more time with. There were so many people there, it was amazing. Thanks to everyone who helped organize, donated to, and came to the benefit. It was a lot of fun, and it meant a lot to see all of you.
Onto the issue of the tooth. A few days after the benefit, I had to have two teeth extracted. Holy poop. The first day was pretty terrible, as far as pain goes, but after that, things were merely tender. It did make eating a little tricky, which is something that I can't afford to be tricky at this point. Luckily, things healed up pretty quick, and I was back to eating as normal by Friday.
Just in time for the Highland Festival! I know that it's not everyone's bag, but I happen to enjoy it. The only thing I don't like about the Highland Festival are the drivers. I figured out the formula for driving in Alma, and that is, if the speed limit is 40 or above, you drive 30. If the speed limit is below 40, you drive 20. That rule held fast as I checker-boarded the slow drivers in mini-vans and pick-up trucks on Wright Ave.
I spent Saturday in my favorite way, and that is mozying about the parade route, catching up with people that I haven't seen in a while. Also, eating a hot dog and an entire bag of cotton candy at 10 am, is pretty much one of the best things a person can do. After the parade, we went to HB's Aunt and Uncle's house for the traditional cook-out, where I pigged out on more great food. HB and I drove to the festival and walked around, catching up with friends, seeing the sites, and eating more food. (Well, I did at least.) I tried the infamous Irn-Bru for the first time. It is terrible, and I would avoid it at all costs. HB said it tastes like chewed up bubble gum from under a table. I agree.
After a much needed nap, we ended the night at the beer tent. I decided that since they had some good scotch, I would attempt to have my one occasional drink that I was told I could have. I had a small sip of the scotch, just to savor things, and about 3 minutes later, I'm in the corner barfing. It was not good. I guess I can't drink anymore afterall.
After all of this excitement I slept all day Sunday. And most of Monday. And most of Tuesday. It wore me out, but it was totally worth it. I had a lot of fun (except for the barfing).
So that's a lot of news. I've been trying to get things working in order to do some of these posts as video posts, but I ran out of time today. Hopefully the next post will work out. (and not be in a month)
My family put on a benefit auction and chili dinner for me a few weeks ago. It was a great day. Unfortunately, I was a little under the weather with a toothache. I want to apologize to those who came and I wasn't able to talk to, and to those I wasn't able to spend more time with. There were so many people there, it was amazing. Thanks to everyone who helped organize, donated to, and came to the benefit. It was a lot of fun, and it meant a lot to see all of you.
Onto the issue of the tooth. A few days after the benefit, I had to have two teeth extracted. Holy poop. The first day was pretty terrible, as far as pain goes, but after that, things were merely tender. It did make eating a little tricky, which is something that I can't afford to be tricky at this point. Luckily, things healed up pretty quick, and I was back to eating as normal by Friday.
Just in time for the Highland Festival! I know that it's not everyone's bag, but I happen to enjoy it. The only thing I don't like about the Highland Festival are the drivers. I figured out the formula for driving in Alma, and that is, if the speed limit is 40 or above, you drive 30. If the speed limit is below 40, you drive 20. That rule held fast as I checker-boarded the slow drivers in mini-vans and pick-up trucks on Wright Ave.
I spent Saturday in my favorite way, and that is mozying about the parade route, catching up with people that I haven't seen in a while. Also, eating a hot dog and an entire bag of cotton candy at 10 am, is pretty much one of the best things a person can do. After the parade, we went to HB's Aunt and Uncle's house for the traditional cook-out, where I pigged out on more great food. HB and I drove to the festival and walked around, catching up with friends, seeing the sites, and eating more food. (Well, I did at least.) I tried the infamous Irn-Bru for the first time. It is terrible, and I would avoid it at all costs. HB said it tastes like chewed up bubble gum from under a table. I agree.
After a much needed nap, we ended the night at the beer tent. I decided that since they had some good scotch, I would attempt to have my one occasional drink that I was told I could have. I had a small sip of the scotch, just to savor things, and about 3 minutes later, I'm in the corner barfing. It was not good. I guess I can't drink anymore afterall.
After all of this excitement I slept all day Sunday. And most of Monday. And most of Tuesday. It wore me out, but it was totally worth it. I had a lot of fun (except for the barfing).
So that's a lot of news. I've been trying to get things working in order to do some of these posts as video posts, but I ran out of time today. Hopefully the next post will work out. (and not be in a month)
Friday, May 13, 2011
Weird
So my last post with the good news has mysteriously disappeared. I tried to update the blog last night while watching the Red Wings game, but blogger was down for maintenance. I'm assuming it has something to do with that. I also noticed that another blog I read has their last post missing as well. I'll have to contact tech support and see if anything can be done.
I changed the look and feel of the site a little bit, to make it a little less standard template-y. Let me know what you think. I also added a needs/wants list to the right side of the page. I'll keep you updated on the missing post. That was a really happy one, and I want it back, darn it!
I changed the look and feel of the site a little bit, to make it a little less standard template-y. Let me know what you think. I also added a needs/wants list to the right side of the page. I'll keep you updated on the missing post. That was a really happy one, and I want it back, darn it!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The best birthday present I could muster for my little brother
So this tube in my abdomen is pretty awesome. I am draining 1-2 liters every day, and keeping the fluid down like this is amazing. Not only that, but I get roughly 12 hours back in my week, not having to drive to Ann Arbor twice a week now. My only complaint is that it is itchy as all get out, but I guess that's a good sign, right? The pain is down considerably, and things seem to be getting better.
My little brother turned 27 yesterday (Happy Birthday Doug!) and this just happened to coincide with a trip to Ann Arbor for my monthly oncology/stab needles in my butt extravaganza. The news is looking pretty darned great, actually. My blood tests came back all within a normal healthy range. The Khan was impressed with my energy levels as of late, and was even more impressed when she heard that I had mowed the lawn the day before. To be fair, I did need to take some breaks, but I think that was more due to the soreness from the surgery site than anything. She was happy to hear that I'm growing a garden, and likes that I'm trying to get more active. In terms of treatment, she used words like years, instead of months! She's impressed with the way that the cancer is responding to the treatment, and it gave me a lot of hope and reassured me. She's going to send a referral to the West Michigan Cancer Center for me, so that I can start getting hooked up with treatments a bit closer to home.
So, to sum this all up, I hope you are all prepared to have to have me around for a bit longer than most anticipated. I know this will disappoint some of you. (Damn the lack of a sarcasm font) I guess what I want to say more than anything else is thank you. Thank you for taking the time to follow my inconsistently timed ramblings. Thank you for your thoughts, words of encouragement, and prayers. Thanks for your hugs. Thanks for the donations of every kind, from gas cards, to ensure, to gift cards for groceries. Thanks for putting on, donating to, and showing up for benefits. I know that HB thanks all of you too. We couldn't do this without all of your support. So here's to years instead of months, more time to laugh and love, more hugs, and more memories. I love and thank all of you so much.
My little brother turned 27 yesterday (Happy Birthday Doug!) and this just happened to coincide with a trip to Ann Arbor for my monthly oncology/stab needles in my butt extravaganza. The news is looking pretty darned great, actually. My blood tests came back all within a normal healthy range. The Khan was impressed with my energy levels as of late, and was even more impressed when she heard that I had mowed the lawn the day before. To be fair, I did need to take some breaks, but I think that was more due to the soreness from the surgery site than anything. She was happy to hear that I'm growing a garden, and likes that I'm trying to get more active. In terms of treatment, she used words like years, instead of months! She's impressed with the way that the cancer is responding to the treatment, and it gave me a lot of hope and reassured me. She's going to send a referral to the West Michigan Cancer Center for me, so that I can start getting hooked up with treatments a bit closer to home.
So, to sum this all up, I hope you are all prepared to have to have me around for a bit longer than most anticipated. I know this will disappoint some of you. (Damn the lack of a sarcasm font) I guess what I want to say more than anything else is thank you. Thank you for taking the time to follow my inconsistently timed ramblings. Thank you for your thoughts, words of encouragement, and prayers. Thanks for your hugs. Thanks for the donations of every kind, from gas cards, to ensure, to gift cards for groceries. Thanks for putting on, donating to, and showing up for benefits. I know that HB thanks all of you too. We couldn't do this without all of your support. So here's to years instead of months, more time to laugh and love, more hugs, and more memories. I love and thank all of you so much.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Tiny Update
Just wanted to let you all know that the surgery came out well. I now have a 6 inch tube sticking out of my abdomen. Surgery went off without a hitch, I'm just a bit sore, and out of it from the happy pills for the pain. I'll update with more details later.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
It's been a while
Lots to update since my last post. 2 amazing benefits, my birthday, and a trip to Ohio.
The benefit at Rubbles was an amazing time. Thanks to all of the acts, Rubbles for hosting, staff for volunteering, raffle prize donors, and all of the people who helped put it all together. Also, thanks to everyone who showed up, donated, and had a great time with us. HB and I were blown away by all of your support, and had a lot of fun, too! It was also great to be up on stage at Rubbles again, and even though I'm a lot weaker than I used to be, it was mighty awesome to get my horn out and play again. After the show, HB, Dustin, Carrie, and I also had a bit of an adventure with a skunk.
While talking about benefits, last night, the Knights of Columbus Council 1616 in Kalamazoo, hosted a euchre tournament benefit for us. Although I was pretty exhausted, we both had a really good time, and enjoyed ourselves. Thanks to those who came out, played euchre, donated, and had a fun time with HB and I. Apparently it was a really good showing of people as compared to when they play at other times.
Also, I should thank everyone for their hugs. One of my favorite things in the world is a hug, and I've had plenty of great ones lately. It really cheers me up, and makes me feel better, especially when I'm tired and not feeling well.
My birthday was a blast. I started out the day by finishing up a few last minute details before the house showing, and then made my way in to Dustin and Carrie's house for the festivities. HB met us after work, and we went out to eat at the Sushi Hibachi Buffet in town (it tastes about as good as it sounds, but I kind of like those kind of places) and I ate enough sub-par sushi (with no actual raw fish) to make my head explode. It was great to pig out like that. We went back to Dustin and Carrie's and watched some Rifftrax (the guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000's newest project) and Carrie made me a birthday cake. She put a ton of candles on it, and still being a wind bag, I managed to get them all in one breath.
Friday morning I woke up, and headed to Ann Arbor to get my blood drawn and pick up Dan McDonald for our adventure to Ashland for the Maplerock Jazz Festival. We made it down in time to catch the last couple of high school bands and the Ashland University Jazz Orchestra's rehearsal before the show that night. Scott Garlock is the director of the band, and my former trombone instructor, and good friend. He invited Dan and I to dinner with his family and the guest artists, which was awfully cool of him to do. We ate some pretty good Italian food and had great conversation. Dan and I got checked into our hotel and came back for the performance.
I don't know what Scott is feeding the trombone section since I left, but I was blown away. The section was pretty darned good while I was there, but now they are eating nothing but hard-boiled eggs and human growth hormone. They were outstanding. The concert was really great. It was also good to see some other folks that I'd gone to school with, as I haven't seen them in probably 6 years or so. Scott then invited us out to the after showing hang out time with the artists, also very cool of him. At this point, I'd been up since 5 am, plus about 5 hours of driving, so I was pretty beat. Dan and I hung out until around midnight and went to get some sleep.
The next morning, Dan and I had breakfast with Scott, his fiance Emily, and his son Satch. The food was excellent, but the service left something to be desired. There was more great conversation to be had, and then Dan and I had to go.
Last night, I slept like I'd never slept a wink in my life. I think I got almost 10 hours of sleep, which is unusual for me these days. HB and Dustin went out and got breakfast for all of us, and we hung out and watched conspiracy theory documentaries on the history channel about the Kennedy and Lincoln assassinations. HB and I came home and she mowed the lawn while I've been plunking away at this ridiculously long, and long time coming post. We're going to get some dinner, and then it's back to Dustin and Carrie's to crash at their house again (we owe you guys big time), because in the morning, Dustin and I leave at 5:30 to go and get my shunt put in. Hopefully this will mean that I won't have to make as many trips to Ann Arbor, and I can drain myself when I feel like I need it, rather than having to wait for the next appointment. I'll update things when I'm feeling up to it this week. The shunt is going to be a little tube sticking out from my abdomen so that I can drain things myself. It sounds like it's going to be a couple of hour procedure, involving weaving plastic tubing through my skin and into my paritoneal cavity. Fun times.
The benefit at Rubbles was an amazing time. Thanks to all of the acts, Rubbles for hosting, staff for volunteering, raffle prize donors, and all of the people who helped put it all together. Also, thanks to everyone who showed up, donated, and had a great time with us. HB and I were blown away by all of your support, and had a lot of fun, too! It was also great to be up on stage at Rubbles again, and even though I'm a lot weaker than I used to be, it was mighty awesome to get my horn out and play again. After the show, HB, Dustin, Carrie, and I also had a bit of an adventure with a skunk.
While talking about benefits, last night, the Knights of Columbus Council 1616 in Kalamazoo, hosted a euchre tournament benefit for us. Although I was pretty exhausted, we both had a really good time, and enjoyed ourselves. Thanks to those who came out, played euchre, donated, and had a fun time with HB and I. Apparently it was a really good showing of people as compared to when they play at other times.
Also, I should thank everyone for their hugs. One of my favorite things in the world is a hug, and I've had plenty of great ones lately. It really cheers me up, and makes me feel better, especially when I'm tired and not feeling well.
My birthday was a blast. I started out the day by finishing up a few last minute details before the house showing, and then made my way in to Dustin and Carrie's house for the festivities. HB met us after work, and we went out to eat at the Sushi Hibachi Buffet in town (it tastes about as good as it sounds, but I kind of like those kind of places) and I ate enough sub-par sushi (with no actual raw fish) to make my head explode. It was great to pig out like that. We went back to Dustin and Carrie's and watched some Rifftrax (the guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000's newest project) and Carrie made me a birthday cake. She put a ton of candles on it, and still being a wind bag, I managed to get them all in one breath.
Friday morning I woke up, and headed to Ann Arbor to get my blood drawn and pick up Dan McDonald for our adventure to Ashland for the Maplerock Jazz Festival. We made it down in time to catch the last couple of high school bands and the Ashland University Jazz Orchestra's rehearsal before the show that night. Scott Garlock is the director of the band, and my former trombone instructor, and good friend. He invited Dan and I to dinner with his family and the guest artists, which was awfully cool of him to do. We ate some pretty good Italian food and had great conversation. Dan and I got checked into our hotel and came back for the performance.
I don't know what Scott is feeding the trombone section since I left, but I was blown away. The section was pretty darned good while I was there, but now they are eating nothing but hard-boiled eggs and human growth hormone. They were outstanding. The concert was really great. It was also good to see some other folks that I'd gone to school with, as I haven't seen them in probably 6 years or so. Scott then invited us out to the after showing hang out time with the artists, also very cool of him. At this point, I'd been up since 5 am, plus about 5 hours of driving, so I was pretty beat. Dan and I hung out until around midnight and went to get some sleep.
The next morning, Dan and I had breakfast with Scott, his fiance Emily, and his son Satch. The food was excellent, but the service left something to be desired. There was more great conversation to be had, and then Dan and I had to go.
Last night, I slept like I'd never slept a wink in my life. I think I got almost 10 hours of sleep, which is unusual for me these days. HB and Dustin went out and got breakfast for all of us, and we hung out and watched conspiracy theory documentaries on the history channel about the Kennedy and Lincoln assassinations. HB and I came home and she mowed the lawn while I've been plunking away at this ridiculously long, and long time coming post. We're going to get some dinner, and then it's back to Dustin and Carrie's to crash at their house again (we owe you guys big time), because in the morning, Dustin and I leave at 5:30 to go and get my shunt put in. Hopefully this will mean that I won't have to make as many trips to Ann Arbor, and I can drain myself when I feel like I need it, rather than having to wait for the next appointment. I'll update things when I'm feeling up to it this week. The shunt is going to be a little tube sticking out from my abdomen so that I can drain things myself. It sounds like it's going to be a couple of hour procedure, involving weaving plastic tubing through my skin and into my paritoneal cavity. Fun times.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Not every day is a good day
It's the first 80 degree day of the year, there's not a cloud in the sky. The flowers are out, the birds are chirping, and there's a really great breeze coming in through our open windows. Everything around me feels vibrant and alive. Personally, I feel like I've been run over by a steam roller.
I haven't really gone into what a bad day is like for me, and I don't think most people understand what I mean when I say I'm having a bad day. So here it goes. I have absolutely no energy. Standing up requires a concentrated effort, and about 15 seconds of me psyching myself up for it. Walking feels like I'm moving my legs through drying concrete, and my pace is really slow. Stairs are almost out of the question. Going upstairs in our house (which is like 10 stairs up) requires a break about half way up. If I'm laying down, I almost need help sitting up. For those of you who've seen "The Princess Bride", I feel like I've been strapped to the machine that Wesley is tortured in that takes years of his life away.
There are a few reasons, I think for a bad day like today. I'm full of fluid, and won't be drained again until Tuesday. Being full of fluid means that I don't have much of an appetite. I've found that it's important for me to get a good 20-30 grams of protein early in start of my day. If I don't get that, I feel much like I do now. I couldn't eat that much this morning, making this the most likely culprit. The other problem, is the injection that stops the diarrhea is wearing off, and I've been cursed with that for the last few days. The diarrhea means that the little food I am able to get in, passes through too quickly to really make a huge difference. Hopefully by Wednesday or Thursday, this will all be in the past, and I'll be feeling relatively normal again.
Meanwhile, HB has been working her butt off today. I'm so thankful to have her, and her being willing to pick up all of the slack when I don't feel good. She let me nap in the hammock, which was wonderful while she was busy with some outside chores. I did start to get nervous with the turkey vulture zooming around overhead. Hopefully he was after something dead in the field behind me.
What a terrible day to be down and out. I was looking forward to today, and being outside with HB doing chores and having fun. It's days like today that really hit my optimism about this illness the hardest. I hope that this post doesn't scare you, or gross you out, it totally has the potential for that. I just wanted to share what my difficult days are like, because most of my posts seem to be cheerful and optimistic. Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully it will be a bit better, that's how I look at it. Tuesday will be a long day, but will make things a lot better. Thanks for reading, and I hope to see you this next weekend at Rubbles. Here's some info if you don't know about it: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=117339808343493
I haven't really gone into what a bad day is like for me, and I don't think most people understand what I mean when I say I'm having a bad day. So here it goes. I have absolutely no energy. Standing up requires a concentrated effort, and about 15 seconds of me psyching myself up for it. Walking feels like I'm moving my legs through drying concrete, and my pace is really slow. Stairs are almost out of the question. Going upstairs in our house (which is like 10 stairs up) requires a break about half way up. If I'm laying down, I almost need help sitting up. For those of you who've seen "The Princess Bride", I feel like I've been strapped to the machine that Wesley is tortured in that takes years of his life away.
There are a few reasons, I think for a bad day like today. I'm full of fluid, and won't be drained again until Tuesday. Being full of fluid means that I don't have much of an appetite. I've found that it's important for me to get a good 20-30 grams of protein early in start of my day. If I don't get that, I feel much like I do now. I couldn't eat that much this morning, making this the most likely culprit. The other problem, is the injection that stops the diarrhea is wearing off, and I've been cursed with that for the last few days. The diarrhea means that the little food I am able to get in, passes through too quickly to really make a huge difference. Hopefully by Wednesday or Thursday, this will all be in the past, and I'll be feeling relatively normal again.
Meanwhile, HB has been working her butt off today. I'm so thankful to have her, and her being willing to pick up all of the slack when I don't feel good. She let me nap in the hammock, which was wonderful while she was busy with some outside chores. I did start to get nervous with the turkey vulture zooming around overhead. Hopefully he was after something dead in the field behind me.
What a terrible day to be down and out. I was looking forward to today, and being outside with HB doing chores and having fun. It's days like today that really hit my optimism about this illness the hardest. I hope that this post doesn't scare you, or gross you out, it totally has the potential for that. I just wanted to share what my difficult days are like, because most of my posts seem to be cheerful and optimistic. Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully it will be a bit better, that's how I look at it. Tuesday will be a long day, but will make things a lot better. Thanks for reading, and I hope to see you this next weekend at Rubbles. Here's some info if you don't know about it: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=117339808343493
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