This is a tremendously hard topic to publicly discuss for a number of reasons. First, it's hard for me to accept weakness (stupid, stupid pride). Second, I hate to dwell on the negative. Third, I hate to make people worry. It is time to put that aside, partially for my own sanity, and partially just so that everyone has a better idea of what I'm going through. For the most part, when people see me, I'm usually at a better time, or if I'm not, I get my shit together enough to pretend and pull it off. This notion is silly, and very counterproductive, as it usually wears me out even further. From now on, I'm going to try to put forth a more honest version of me. This may require some help on all of your parts. If you ask me how I'm doing, and I say that I'm ok, please ask me how I'm really doing. Ok falls on this huge grey area that can mean, I feel like I'm going to puke my guts out, to I feel like I could walk a mile.
On to the dirty bits.
This past week has been one of the roughest that I've experienced. Although, it hasn't really come out of nowhere. Things have been degrading for a while now, and each round of the drugs comes with more side effects. I'm half-way through a cycle of Sutent (4 weeks on, 2 off), and true to form, this is when things go downhill for me. HB and I got back from a trip to Alma on Monday, and from Tuesday on, I've felt like hell. I've had no appetite, liver pain, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, weakness, and diarrhea. Today is the first day since we've returned from Alma that I haven't spent the entire day on the couch, unable to move. Today is the first day that I've been able to eat some semblance of a meal. I'm still fatigued as hell, but having an appetite is a good first step.
The fatigue is the next issue, after not being able to eat/being nauseous. It feels like I've got the flu and run a 5k all at the same time. I tire really easily. Stairs are pretty difficult at best. I need to take at least one nap per day. Some days this is not enough. I can get through most chores, but I need to take frequent breaks. For instance, I can vacuum the living room floor, but I need to take a break before I move on to another room. It's really frustrating to have gone from working a line in a busy kitchen to this.
I hope you all aren't freaked out by this. It's not meant to make anyone worry more, just to let you know a little bit more about what life is like for me. I just want you all to know that I will do my best to be more honest with all of you, and myself, about how I'm actually doing.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Why Captain America is an important movie
Before you think that I've gone off the deep end into a pool full of my own nerd-fluid, hear me out.
A few years ago, I heard that they had given this movie the green-light. Never before had I been this excited about a movie. I started researching who the cast was going to be, found clips and previews, and even set up a section in my google news feed for the film. I'm a huge Captain America fan. Something about the wimpy nerd turned hero has always been close to my wimpy nerd heart. The fact that Captain America came to be during World War II, and was first seen clobbering Nazis, probably the closest thing to a super-villain group this world has ever seen, makes it more awesome. I also really loved Captain America in the whole Marvel Civil War run, he was great in that.
The first time I saw the official long-cut trailer was a week or two before I first got diagnosed with all of this crap. I was super excited and couldn't wait for summer to get here so I could see the movie.
It's funny the weird little thoughts that go through your head when someone has told you that you don't have long to live. Obviously the first things were, holy crap, Heather. How is she going to deal with this, and it's going to be really terrible to be gone and not have her. And the same goes for my family, and friends. I'm not going to be able to see my nephew grow up. Stuff along those lines. After a while though, the stupid things start to creep in. One of the first silly thoughts was, "Man, I'm not going to be around to see Captain America". That silly thought hit me the hardest.
Long story short, last weekend, Doug, Jake, Wayne, and I finally saw the movie. It was glorious, partially because I'm some sort of uber-nerd, and partially because it was an important milestone. I made it. I lasted longer than some thought. It's the sort of boon to my confidence that I've needed as of late. So thanks to the guys for coming along. It was a milestone I will not forget.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, it really was a good movie, great for a comic book movie. You should all see it. I reluctantly saw it in 3D (reluctantly because I am annoyed with the "every movie is now in 3D craze we're in), and they even did a pretty decent job utilizing the 3D effects in a way that complimented the movie, rather than "Hey, get all of the 3D effects in while you can" mentality that a lot of 3D movies have. To see what I mean, wait for the shield to bounce off a tank, Wayne and I both ducked.
More soon. I'm trying to work on a way to make some video blogs (I will never call it a "Vlog", unless you give me $10,000) What do you think of that idea?
A few years ago, I heard that they had given this movie the green-light. Never before had I been this excited about a movie. I started researching who the cast was going to be, found clips and previews, and even set up a section in my google news feed for the film. I'm a huge Captain America fan. Something about the wimpy nerd turned hero has always been close to my wimpy nerd heart. The fact that Captain America came to be during World War II, and was first seen clobbering Nazis, probably the closest thing to a super-villain group this world has ever seen, makes it more awesome. I also really loved Captain America in the whole Marvel Civil War run, he was great in that.
The first time I saw the official long-cut trailer was a week or two before I first got diagnosed with all of this crap. I was super excited and couldn't wait for summer to get here so I could see the movie.
It's funny the weird little thoughts that go through your head when someone has told you that you don't have long to live. Obviously the first things were, holy crap, Heather. How is she going to deal with this, and it's going to be really terrible to be gone and not have her. And the same goes for my family, and friends. I'm not going to be able to see my nephew grow up. Stuff along those lines. After a while though, the stupid things start to creep in. One of the first silly thoughts was, "Man, I'm not going to be around to see Captain America". That silly thought hit me the hardest.
Long story short, last weekend, Doug, Jake, Wayne, and I finally saw the movie. It was glorious, partially because I'm some sort of uber-nerd, and partially because it was an important milestone. I made it. I lasted longer than some thought. It's the sort of boon to my confidence that I've needed as of late. So thanks to the guys for coming along. It was a milestone I will not forget.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, it really was a good movie, great for a comic book movie. You should all see it. I reluctantly saw it in 3D (reluctantly because I am annoyed with the "every movie is now in 3D craze we're in), and they even did a pretty decent job utilizing the 3D effects in a way that complimented the movie, rather than "Hey, get all of the 3D effects in while you can" mentality that a lot of 3D movies have. To see what I mean, wait for the shield to bounce off a tank, Wayne and I both ducked.
More soon. I'm trying to work on a way to make some video blogs (I will never call it a "Vlog", unless you give me $10,000) What do you think of that idea?
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