This is a tremendously hard topic to publicly discuss for a number of reasons. First, it's hard for me to accept weakness (stupid, stupid pride). Second, I hate to dwell on the negative. Third, I hate to make people worry. It is time to put that aside, partially for my own sanity, and partially just so that everyone has a better idea of what I'm going through. For the most part, when people see me, I'm usually at a better time, or if I'm not, I get my shit together enough to pretend and pull it off. This notion is silly, and very counterproductive, as it usually wears me out even further. From now on, I'm going to try to put forth a more honest version of me. This may require some help on all of your parts. If you ask me how I'm doing, and I say that I'm ok, please ask me how I'm really doing. Ok falls on this huge grey area that can mean, I feel like I'm going to puke my guts out, to I feel like I could walk a mile.
On to the dirty bits.
This past week has been one of the roughest that I've experienced. Although, it hasn't really come out of nowhere. Things have been degrading for a while now, and each round of the drugs comes with more side effects. I'm half-way through a cycle of Sutent (4 weeks on, 2 off), and true to form, this is when things go downhill for me. HB and I got back from a trip to Alma on Monday, and from Tuesday on, I've felt like hell. I've had no appetite, liver pain, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, weakness, and diarrhea. Today is the first day since we've returned from Alma that I haven't spent the entire day on the couch, unable to move. Today is the first day that I've been able to eat some semblance of a meal. I'm still fatigued as hell, but having an appetite is a good first step.
The fatigue is the next issue, after not being able to eat/being nauseous. It feels like I've got the flu and run a 5k all at the same time. I tire really easily. Stairs are pretty difficult at best. I need to take at least one nap per day. Some days this is not enough. I can get through most chores, but I need to take frequent breaks. For instance, I can vacuum the living room floor, but I need to take a break before I move on to another room. It's really frustrating to have gone from working a line in a busy kitchen to this.
I hope you all aren't freaked out by this. It's not meant to make anyone worry more, just to let you know a little bit more about what life is like for me. I just want you all to know that I will do my best to be more honest with all of you, and myself, about how I'm actually doing.
Thanks for your honesty. I so wish that you didn't have to deal with any of this. Thinking of you and loving you. Oh, I didn't have any interest in seeing Captain America- well I really still don't- BUT every time I hear someone talk about it, I smile and think of you!
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