It may get a little messy

The best place to start is at the beginning.  In April 2010 I came down with a vicious case of diarrhea.  (I told you it may get messy.)  I chalked this up to some bad crazy bread from Little Caesar's pizza the night before.  I took a day off from work, slept and kept hydrated.  Things were not better the next day, but I knew from my food sanitation courses in school that these things can last several weeks, if they really get a good hold on you.  I went back to work, and thought nothing more of it

Let's skip ahead to Thanksgiving.  I've lost 65 pounds.  I'm fatigued by general chores around the house, and the diarrhea is still around.  Despite losing so much weight I still have a rather rotund and "pregnant" looking belly.  My Uncle Tony is studying to be a Physician's Assistant, and is currently a nurse, so I asked him if he'd take a look at things.  He was very concerned about these firm spots in my abdomen.  He tells me that I need to get to an ER, and soon.

On top of all of this news and concern, I have the added bonus of being one of the millions of uninsured people in this fine country.  (I promise I won't get too preachy.)  I start applying for an M-Support grant at the University of Michigan hospital.  I have a genetic disease called von Hippel Lindau Syndrome that has been treated there in the past.  I figure this may be the disease rearing its ugly head, so U of M would be the best place to start.  I get the paperwork in, and as I write this, it is under review by the board that decides if I can get some sort of coverage.

Last night, December 11th, Heather and I drive to Ann Arbor to be seen in U of M's emergency room.  Even though I love hockey, I totally forget that today is the day of the big game between U of M and MSU, outdoors in the Big House.  The game apparently shattered the previous attendance records spectators at a hockey game.  There were various drunk people in the ER, unable to open their eyes, and reeking of vomit and alcohol.  It was pretty spectacular.

I get in a room, and they leave me there for a while.  The doctor orders a CT Scan.  I drink a barium shake that tastes a bit like berry flavored antacids.  Not pleasant by any means, but not terrible either.  They then walk me over (note: this is the last time I've been allowed to walk anywhere) to radiology.  The technician repeatedly warns me that the contrast they will be putting through my IV may make me feel like I've peed my pants.  She said this at least 5 times in a two minute span.  Sadly, this never happened.

We wait for another few hours for a diagnosis.  The doctor comes in and shows us the CT scan.  This thing is impressive.  Impressive in a scary huge way.  It seems that my entire abdomen is filled with this beast that wraps around anything and everything.  No wonder I've not been able to eat- this thing leaves no room for food.

The doctor orders a catecholamine test.  If you're not familiar with this, it's a 24 hour urine scan.  They hand you a red jug and order to pee in it for the next 24 hours.  The jug is labeled with all sorts of warnings about the contents containing hydrochloric acid.  I thought I was literally supposed to pee into a jug full of acid.  Fortunately, they bring me a little plastic hospital urinal to pee into and then dump into the acid jug.  The other super awesome thing about this test is that the acid somehow makes the urine smell really terrible.  Imagine rotting meat, asparagus pee, and some hobo farts mixed together, and that's what it is like to open that jug.  Every time I have to pee.

Today (12-12-10) has been fairly crazy.  I've had to call my Parents and Grandparents.  Those are probably some of the hardest calls I've ever had to make.  I called my brother (who has the same disease) and told him.  I think that was by far the toughest phone call I've made.  (Doug, if you're reading this, get your VHL checked NOW!)  I've been poked 6-7 times for various blood tests.  I've have my IV site moved to the other arm (thankfully), but this afternoon has been a lot of hurry up and wait.

Tomorrow I get to have a biopsy on my liver and kidney.  They told me I get some really awesome drugs that will make me not remember anything, which I'm kind of looking forward to.

I'll update this again tomorrow.  For now, I'm going to try and escape from this with some help of Netflix, and some crazy friends who have decided to drive in this blizzard.  Thanks guys.

PS: The title refers to a joke between a few friends.  One of them really like the game "Mass Effect".  As a jerk, we used to say "More like Ass Effect".  I figured that since this whole ordeal started with my ass, it might be a good title.